This 2003 movie is so terrible on so many different levels that it’s hard to even know where to start. I don’t know that I’ve ever managed to get through the film’s unbearable and inexplicable 147 minute run—though I’ve tried several times, in a generous effort to find something redeemable about it. Each time I’ve come away angry, clutching my eyes, cursing at the television in disgust. Admittedly, the original 1995 Bad Boys wasn’t a great film either, but this one is really a reverse masterpiece of abhorrent crap.
The premise is this: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are cops in Miami. But they’re also bros! Best bros! Or, as they like to say, “bad boys for life.” Yes, they call themselves “bad boys.” Anyway, the duo investigate drug traffickers in Miami, bad things happen, and supposed laughs and explosions ensue. Honestly, you don’t really need to worry about the plot—because there isn’t one. The movie is “funny,” which means that Smith and Lawrence waste precious minutes of your life with canned quips that sound like they were written by a computer. Every 10 to 15 minutes the plot descends into an incoherent orgy of violence, which usually involves car chases, automatic weapons, explosions, shrapnel, cursing, and other annoying stuff. These sequences are meant to excite, but they’re really just loud and long and hard on the eyes. This abomination is also directed by Michael Bay (of course it is) and is edited with all the frenetic mania of a coke addict.
In short: if there is a hell, mine will likely involve being forced to watch this movie on repeat with my eyelids stitched open like Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange.